The Wagon

I jumped.

It's only Tuesday of this week, but I feel myself in the rut, in the dirt, face down in the mud. I am off my wagon. The unraveling started to happen last week. I made it into my gym, but I wasn't focused on being a healthy person who exercised. A pound or two creeps up. I missed my workout yesterday and today.

And my mind starts to tell me things like,
"Oh, what's the point."
"You aren't losing any weight."
"What difference does this all make?"
"I mean, people were massacred in Paris and Lebanon."
"Life's too short."
"You're old."
"You're never going to change."

Stuff like that.

Losing motivation is a tough thing. The old me would get to this point and that would be the end. Last week was fun. I went out to dinner with friends on Thursday that included drinks and dinner and dessert and awesome fun times. On Friday, I took it easy. Saturday I was up early with the Boy Scouts hanging door hangers so we can collect food for our food bank and then after that my husband and I took off for Santa Cruz for a quick overnight to celebrate 15 years of marriage. More drinks. More food (but, we skipped dessert...). It was fun to get away. We don't get to do that much and we realize how important it is, even if the conversation on the drive back was about financial planning and got a bit heated. We need to be able to have those conversations. Not romantic. But, so nice to be able to do it and get loud with each other without kids in the back seat or in the next room.

But, all those things have thrown me off. It was fun while it lasted. I liked not having to go to the gym yesterday and today. I know I need to get back in the groove.  

But I don't want to.

Can I just be a little bit immature right now? Waaaaaaah!

This is supposed to be the paragraph where I come roaring back with strong answers and platitudes. Rah rah rah!

But, THE ONLY THING THAT WILL SAVE ME is that tomorrow I have my personal trainer on the schedule and I'm paying her and I need to go in tomorrow and I know that if I haven't called her now I will not cancel. No matter what I ate or drank in the past week or what I didn't do today or yesterday, I will be there. That is the baseline promise I made. I'm not going to make any crazy declarations.

All I need to do is show up tomorrow.

I may be a bloated, sugar infused, gin-soaked mess, but dammit, I'll be there and back on the wagon. I saw unto you that tomorrow I will wake up, put on the gym clothes and go in there for my workout, no question.

And I mean it.

Here we are, November 18, 2000 where I made a really BIG promise to do something positive with my life and kept it.